chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
