the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
