You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
