So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
