weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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