I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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