ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
