Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
