He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
