You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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