there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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