He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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