I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
