oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
