she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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