you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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