Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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