So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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