Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
