By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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