He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
