Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
