Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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