I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
