Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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