ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
