A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
