It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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