Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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