New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
