If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
