that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
