Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
