I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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