i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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