You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he puts the penis in happiness.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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