Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
