You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
