just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
