my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
