I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
