I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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