Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
