i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
