Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
