I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
