is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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