I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
