You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
