I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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