i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
