Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
