all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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