also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
